


the heart of you pulsing in my veins

by andromedagalaxy



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:39:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9292661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: A series of works for Philkas week on tumblr.





	1. Just Relax

“I don’t like leaving you alone like this,” Helen says, standing in the doorway. Philip meets Gabe’s eyes and it’s clear he knows, too clear, but neither one of them say anything.

Philip’s head feels like it’s two times its normal size and he can’t breathe through his nose anymore at all. Every time he swallows there’s a terrible, thick pinch at the back of his throat and all he wants to do is sleep and not wake up until he doesn’t feel like this anymore. But Lukas’s text is looming at the forefront of his thoughts, where the headache is beating painfully. _I’m coming over to take care of you._ It isn’t exactly like they’re planning on doing anything, like Gabe might be thinking. Philip isn’t even sure he’d be capable of moving, let alone anything else.

“I’ll be okay,” Philip says, shifting against his pillow and breathing a little hard though his mouth. “I’m probably just gonna pass out.”

Helen gives him a look like she knows, too, and he almost feels like he should just come out with it. Lukas is his boyfriend, after all. Helen and Gabe are used to this—it’s been official, out in the open, for going on seven months now. 

“Do you want us to bring you back anything?” Gabe asks, tugging on Helen’s belt loop.

“No, I’m alright,” Philip says. He sounds so nasally that he doesn’t want to talk ever again. “Go have fun. I’m not ruining date night.”

“You being sick isn’t going to ruin anything, Philip,” Helen says, raising her eyebrows at him. “If you need us we can stay.”

“He’s alright, babe,” Gabe says, nodding at Philip. “Just text us if you need anything, okay? I’ll keep my phone on vibrate during the movie.”

“Okay, I will,” Philip says, and he’s almost sure he sees Gabe wink at him. He feels a bit of warmth wash over him at the look on Helen’s face and how worried she is, how Gabe literally has to edge her out of the room as he closes the door behind them. Philip gathers his pillow up and coughs, wincing at how much it hurts his throat. He feels like he’s in the middle of this illness even though it just started, and it feels like he’s going to be sick until the end of time no matter how many pills he takes. He groans a little bit, the headache getting a little heavier as he squeezes his eyes shut tight. He hears the car drive away.

His phone buzzes beside him and he grapples for it, popping one eye open. _Two minutes away, babe._ Philip smiles to himself, not bothering to type out a reply because Lukas already knows where the key is hidden outside. Philip drifts a little bit, his head swimming, and before he knows it he hears his door opening. He opens his eyes and sees Lukas crossing the room—the concern is clear on his face, his brows furrowed and his eyes intent. He drops his backpack to the ground and sits on the edge of the bed, brushing some of Philip’s hair back. He presses his palm to Philip’s forehead and makes a face. “Jesus, Philip. This is a lot worse than you made out and I was already worried.”

“I’m okay,” Philip croaks, and despite the fact that he feels like death itself, he does feel like a strange weight has lifted now that Lukas is here.

“This hit you overnight?” Lukas asks softly. Philip nods and Lukas clicks his tongue, smoothing his hair back again. “Well, I brought you Gatorade, a bunch of bottles of water. I’ve got stuff to make chicken noodle soup and saltines. And my, uh—” He smiles to himself, faltering a little bit. “That hoodie of mine that you like. Thought it might make you feel better.”

Philip can’t help himself and turns his face into his pillow, smiling hard. He hears Lukas laugh, feels him lean down and press a long kiss to his temple. 

“I hate seeing you like this,” Lukas whispers. 

“I hate being like this,” Philip says, bringing his arm up to cough into it. He groans again, feeling a little bit dizzy.

“You want the soup now?” Lukas asks, kissing his cheek, nuzzling his nose against Philip’s skin. “I bought the more expensive kind so it should be really good.”

“Mmm, I remember the last time you tried to cook for me,” Philip says, twisting a little bit to get onto his back. Lukas helps him but when Philip opens his eyes he sees him make a sour face.

“You can’t fault me for trying to make something nice,” Lukas says, settling a hand around Philip’s waist. 

“Trying,” Philip says. “Key word.”

“This is soup. I can absolutely manage chicken noodle soup.”

“I can picture you forgetting the chicken and the noodles and just serving me hot yellow water,” Philip says, breaking into a grin when Lukas’s mouth drops open. 

“You’re delirious,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “Close those eyes. You need to relax. I’m gonna go make you the best bowl of soup you’ve ever had in your life.”

“Don’t go yet,” Philip says, catching Lukas’s arm as he moves to leave. Philip tries to breathe through his nose and it only sounds like snot, the pulse in his ears going a little higher.

“You okay?” Lukas asks, cupping his face and tracking his thumb across his cheekbone. 

Philip feels like his whole head is going to explode but he doesn’t want to say that. “You got that hoodie handy?” he asks, touching Lukas’s sleeve. 

Lukas’s face lights up and he nods. “That I do,” he says, his hand sliding down Philip’s neck a little bit as he leans off the bed, unzipping his backpack and dragging out his jacket. Philip had taken to wearing it whenever things got really bad, right after everything happened. In the beginning he’d sleep in it every day, especially when he and Lukas couldn’t sleep together. It’s oversized, pale blue and soft enough that Philip always tends to wrap his arms around himself when he’s wearing it.

“Sit up, babe,” Lukas says, pulling him forward gently. Philip does, wincing a little bit at how his body feels when he moves, and Lukas helps the hoodie over his head, working Philip’s arms through the sleeves. He smooths the material down over Philip’s chest and smiles warmly at him. “Looks better on you than it does on me.”

Philip laughs, shaking his head. “Not right now.”

“Always,” Lukas says, tugging on one of the drawstrings.

Philip smiles a little bit, balling his hand up in the material by his stomach. A tremor runs through him and he shivers, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead.

Lukas’s brows furrow. “Can you wait a little longer for the soup?”

Philip nods, closing his eyes tight and swaying a little bit. He feels the bed moving and then Lukas’s hands are on him again, tugging him closer to the wall. 

“Come here,” Lukas whispers. Philip goes willingly, his whole body aching and pliant in Lukas’s grasp. Lukas pulls him against his chest and Philip sighs there, nuzzling into him. Lukas leans against the pillows that are piled up in the corner and wraps his arms around him, running his hand through Philip’s hair. “You’re cold and hot at the same time, Philip.”

“You don’t have to hit on me, we’re already together,” Philip says against Lukas’s t-shirt. Lukas laughs and Philip can’t help but smile at the way it feels. 

“You know what I mean,” Lukas says, squeezing his shoulder. “You need one of those vitamin C drinks. You need someone that actually knows how to make you feel better.”

But Philip already feels better. Just being this close to Lukas makes him feel like he’s doing something right. Philip shivers again and Lukas draws him closer, rubbing a hand up and down his back. He presses a kiss to Philip’s forehead and sighs. 

“You’re making me feel better,” Philip says, his voice raspy. 

“You can fall asleep if you want to,” Lukas whispers, draping Philip’s legs over his own. “I’ll try to stay quiet.”

“You think you can?” Philip asks, his mouth quirking up a little bit. “I don’t know.”

Lukas huffs. “If you start to have a fever dream I’m gonna wake you up,” he says. “Or…any kind of dream. If you’re saying my name I’m definitely waking you up.”

Philip snorts, reaching up to tug down the collar of Lukas’s shirt a little bit, planting a kiss in the hollow of his throat. “I’ll try not to have any dirty dreams,” he says into Lukas’s skin, feeling the goosebumps crop up there. “But I can’t make any promises. Don’t get worked up.”

“I wouldn’t take advantage of you in this state,” Lukas says. “I’d just….think about how I’ll make it up to you in the future.”

“Mmm, alright,” Philip says, scooting up a little bit as Lukas tracks a hand up and down his leg. He almost wants to let him go before he falls asleep but he’s getting used to the fact that Lukas actually wants to be here, tangled up in him. 

“Dream of that,” Lukas says. “Or…or dream of the gourmet soup I’m gonna make for you when you wake up. And all the orange juice I’m gonna make you drink.”

Philip is already drifting, vaguely remembering the last time he was sick. He doesn’t want to think about his mom and he knows Lukas can feel him go a little bit stiff, because he drops another kiss to the top of his head. 

“Just relax,” Lukas says softly, pushing up Philip’s pant leg a bit and tracing his fingers around Philip’s ankle. “I’m gonna take care of you.”

Everything hurts and he still feels awful, but Philip can’t help but smile, nuzzling into Lukas’s chest.


	2. Vibrant

Sometimes when they’re laying here like this Lukas can remember what things were like before he met Philip. Thinking back on it now feels like a different life, a life in black and white, wading from point to point on no real track, with no real purpose. He can hardly recall what was in his head back then but he knows a few things, can fish out a dream dipped in color that he’d tried to bury, that struck him to his core and made him realize that it was going to be more difficult to push these feelings away than he previously thought. 

Philip shifts in his arms, still steeped in sleep, and Lukas stares at him. He feels like he should be freaking out about everything coming together in his head, about puzzle pieces pulling themselves into place. He knows the Lukas before Philip would be freaking out, stumbling out of bed, pinching the inside of his arm until he makes himself bleed. But the Lukas of now, Philip’s Lukas, simply stares at the boy in his arms and lets himself remember. 

“Philip,” Lukas whispers. He wants to let him sleep but he has to talk to him, has to hear his voice. Philip makes the smallest noise and turns his face into Lukas’s arm. His fingers retract on Lukas’s chest and he mutters something to himself that Lukas can’t make out.

Lukas remembers a little bit more. It’d been about a year before Philip came to town—it was an ordinary day because every day was ordinary back then. The dream was long and vibrant, like a feed someone was streaming into his head. The boy was beautiful, holding Lukas’s hand tight and dragging him from place to place in what looked like New York City. Lukas kept adjusting the jacket around the boy’s shoulders because he was worried he was cold. He touched his brown hair, brushing it out of his eyes and watching how it moved in the wind. They kissed in a coffee shop next to a shining Christmas tree, and the boy tore off pieces of a sugar cookie and put them in Lukas’s mouth, kissing at the crumbs that clung to his lips. They went all over, into shops and down the streets until the stars came out, and then they sat on a bench in a park so close in each other’s space that Lukas couldn’t keep from smiling. They nuzzled their noses together and whispered softly, things Lukas now can’t remember. But he remembers touching the boy’s knee, his neck, feeling his pulse beating a little fast under Lukas’s fingers. His heartbeat was the best thing, the most precious thing, something that Lukas felt like he needed to protect, keep going at all costs. Lukas’s face hurt, he was smiling so hard, his chest hurt and his stomach hurt and he’d never felt so good.

_I feel like you can really see me_ Lukas had said in the dream, touching the boy’s cheek. _Like, the real me._

_I’ll be here waiting_ the boy had said. _For whenever you’re ready._

He’d woken up in a cold sweat and felt like he was laid bare, like if anyone were to come in and look at him now they’d know everything that was in his heart. He tried to blink away the boy’s face but for a while it lingered—his smile, his eyes, the curve of his cheek—but Lukas raged and distracted himself and thought about everything and anything else, until the boy was gone all together.

But now he knows. Knows who it was. 

“Philip,” he says again, kissing the bridge of his nose. He tries to blink the tears away and laughs a little at himself. “Philip, I need—I need to tell you something.”

Philip’s brows furrow and he hums a little bit, slipping one of his legs between Lukas’s. “Are you okay?”

Lukas doesn’t know how to phrase anything he’s thinking right now, his mind is racing so fast. “Do you—do you believe in soulmates?”

Philip pops one eye open at that and cranes his neck back. “Why?” 

Lukas’s heart leaps and he runs a hand up Philip’s side. “Don’t laugh at me, okay?”

“Of course I won’t,” Philip says, concern still painted on his face.

Lukas clears his throat. “Well, I was just—you know, just laying here staring at you because I woke up before you and that’s—that’s what I was doing. And I was looking at your face and everything I love about your face—” He shuts his eyes and shakes his head at himself, wetting his lips. “Anyway, I—I remembered something I’d never remembered before.”

“What is it?” Philip asks, and when Lukas opens his eyes he sees Philip is smiling softly.

“Well, I—I…a while back, before I met you, I had this dream.” He shifts and pulls Philip closer, sliding a hand up to rest at the base of his neck. “It was so real, like so bright and clear and it was almost like…watching a movie instead of dreaming. But anyway, I was with this boy in the city and I was just…so happy, you know? We were holding hands and kissing and smiling and he was so…vibrant and gorgeous and, well. Back then of course it scared the shit out of me so I made myself forget when I woke up but looking at you—looking at you now—”

“It was me?” Philip asks, his cheeks going a little red.

“It was you,” Lukas says, his voice trembling. “And you said—you said you’d be there waiting for me. For when I was ready.”

“You sure it was me?” Philip asks, rubbing circles into Lukas’s chest with the tips of his fingers.

“Positive,” Lukas says, swallowing hard. “Like something knew, even back then, that we were supposed to find each other. I didn’t realize…it just—really hit me when I was looking at you just now. And yeah, it was before I’d met you but it feels like…it really feels like…”

Philip leans in and kisses him. Their lips always fit together perfectly and Lukas loves the taste of him, how everything that Philip is seems to wrap him up and keep him safe and makes him feel like nothing in the world could have stopped this. That the world actually wanted this, brought it about, and Philip was just good and patient enough to wait for him.

“I do believe in soulmates,” Philip breathes against his mouth. 

“Good,” Lukas says, wilting against him. “Me too.”

“You’re really cute,” Philip says, smiling wide like he did in the dream. “Like, too cute. Way too cute.”

“No I’m not,” Lukas says, smiling back and pulling him closer. 

“Yeah, yeah you are,” Philip insists, kissing him again. “I love you.”

Lukas can’t believe he gets this. That he might actually deserve it. “I love you too.”

They kiss and they kiss, clinging to each other, and before his mind misfires and falls into the sensation of Philip, Lukas silently thanks the universe for bringing them together. For laying the groundwork, planting the clues, giving him solace and possibility in the form of dreams. And the dreams still might come, he knows they will, but they’ve got real life now, too. So many more moments to make. Lukas smiles against Philip’s mouth and Philip smiles back, the two of them chuckling and moving in to bring their lips together again.


	3. A New Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate universe!

“What’d you say your name was again?” Lukas asks, against this guy’s beautiful neck. He tracks a hand under his shirt and runs the tips of his fingers along his ribs, feeling him suck in a breath.

“Philip,” he says, pushing up into him. “And I wasn’t expecting…this when I came to the concert tonight.”

“Oh yeah?” Lukas asks, sucking at his pulse point. Philip had been in the front row the whole time and was a major fucking distraction. Lukas has been performing these songs for going on four years now and it took this guy showing up to make him stumble over lyrics. Philip’s camera was up in front of his face practically the whole time and Lukas needed a closer look. He wanted to be so close that they couldn’t tell where one of them began and the other one ended.

“Yeah,” Philip breathes, arching a little into his hands. The after party is raging in the room next door and Lukas can feel the vibrations of their own music rolling through the walls. He’s sure they think he’s hooking up with that blonde girl who’s been following them from city to city for going on six months now. 

“You like taking pictures?” Lukas asks against his cheek. He wants to be inside this guy, he wants to touch him everywhere and make him moan, he wants to see him come apart with Lukas’s own name on his lips. But he wants to get to know him, too.

“Yeah, I do,” Philip says, catching his lips when Lukas shifts to look at him. “You were a particularly good subject.”

“You were distracting me,” Lukas says, reaching down and palming him through his jeans. Philip’s eyes flutter closed and Lukas is fucking mesmerized by how long his eyelashes are.

“Guess I was doing my job then,” Philip breathes, clutching at his shoulder. “Keeping your attention.”

“I fucked up the encore because of you,” Lukas whispers, nipping at the corner of his mouth. “Looking at the veins in your arms.”

Philip only smiles, pulling him closer. Lukas sucks at his neck until they’re both breathing harsh in the muted silence of the room, the only other sounds bleeding from the party next door. Lukas grinds against him and thinks about moving to the bed a hundred times before he makes a move for it, stumbling backwards and holding Philip against him as he goes. He hasn’t wanted someone this badly in a long fucking time. He pushes Philip onto the bed and relishes the way his mouth drops open, the way his plush lips tremble as he looks up at him. Lukas strips off his shirt, sweat still clinging to his body when he hurls it away.

“Come here,” Philip says, reaching out for him. Lukas takes his hand and climbs on top of him, squeezing his eyes shut when they’re flush together. Too many fucking clothes.

“How many concerts you go to?” Lukas asks, mind reeling for a moment.

“A lot,” Philip says, reaching around to grab Lukas’s ass.

“You ever hook up with the lead singer before?” Lukas asks, kissing the hinge of his jaw.

“Not even once,” Philip says, breaking into a smile.

“What about a drummer? Or…or a bass player?” 

“You jealous?” Philip asks, tangling his hands in Lukas’s hair.

Lukas might actually be and he doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t even know this guy but the sound of his voice sends waves through him, something deep and warm and familiar. He’s enamored with his face, his eyes, the intent way he’ll lock on like there’s something he sees that you don’t know about. But Lukas isn’t gonna say any of that shit, because his body is pulsing with want and he’s practically humping this guy into the bed. He leans down and kisses him roughly, undoing his button and fly with one hand and pinning his wrist to the bed with the other. He shoves his hand into Philip’s pants and gets a hand around his cock, letting out a wavering breath as he starts to work him steady. He’s been doing this with guys for a couple years now, quietly, on the sidelines, in dark corners backstage where everyone else can’t see, but he’s never felt such waves of possessiveness like he is right now. He tries to touch him right, watches his face change and his brows knit together.

“Lukas,” Philip groans as he arches his neck back, and Lukas feels at home there so he leans down and starts sucking at his throat again. He works him faster and every whimper goes straight to his own dick, and he’s so fucking hard it’s painful. 

“Love the way you feel, Philip,” Lukas whispers. “Love how you’re getting for me.” He twists his wrist and Philip trembles.

“Lukas, oh God,” Philip breathes, clinging to his shoulder with his free hand. “Fuck, fuck, I’m—” He’s coming after what feels like no time at all, but it strikes Lukas that fifteen years with Philip might feel like much too little. He looks beautiful breathing this hard, his chest heaving, and Lukas stares at him.

“I wanna put my mouth on you,” Philip says after a moment, his eyes still closed as he tries to move out from under him. Lukas’s brain short-circuits and he’s letting Philip push him over onto his back, and the whole room feels like it’s going dark except for Philip. Philip, still moving slowly under the shock of his own orgasm, kissing down his chest and yanking his pants down. Philip, wrapping those beautiful lips around Lukas’s cock and sucking until Lukas can’t think at all. Usually when someone does this to him he just throws his head back and closes his eyes, not thinking about who it is and just how it feels, but he wants to watch Philip, wants to watch everything he does so he can remember. 

“Jesus,” Lukas moans, stars in his eyes as his legs start to shake. “Jesus, fuck, baby—”

Philip hums around him and Lukas moans again, louder and more broken this time.

His head is spinning and the thoughts are spilling out. “Fuck, I only want you to do this,” he gasps, tugging at Philip’s hair, “only you, only you from now…from now on…” He gasps and can hardly fucking breathe, watching Philip’s head go up and down, and it feels like his whole body is catching fire. Philip’s tongue drags up and down Lukas’s length and Lukas groans, fisting his hand in the sheets. 

“Philip,” he says, his voice breaking, “Philip, I’m gonna—I’m gonna—” He wants him to back off if he wants to but Philip only sucks harder and finally Lukas has to look away, his head falling back onto the pillow as he comes into Philip’s mouth.

He feels like he’s been laying there breathing forever, and he still can’t open his eyes. He reaches down and tries to find Philip but only comes up with empty air. He’s a multimillionaire, the band has gone fucking platinum with him at the helm, he could live anywhere and get anyone or anything with a snap of his fingers—but in that moment, he’s willing to give all that away if he could just find Philip here in the dark. If Philip would just take his hand.

He does, climbing his way up Lukas’s body to flop down beside him. “Can I take a picture of you like this?” Philip asks. “Just the way you look right now?”

Lukas smiles a little bit. “Yeah,” he says, without even thinking about it. He doesn’t open his eyes but he can feel him shifting, and then he vaguely sees a flash go off through his eyelids. 

“Mmm, perfect,” Philip says. He leans down, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Lukas latches onto him, pulling him down until he’s holding him close. Philip cuddles up beside him, resting his head underneath Lukas’s chin. “Stay here with me,” Lukas says.

“You don’t want to go to the party?” Philip asks.

“No,” Lukas says. “Been to plenty of parties like that. Do you have somewhere to be?”

“No, I don’t,” Philip says. 

“Then stay,” Lukas says, reaching up and smoothing a hand over his arm.

~

They’re eating the breakfast Lukas had ordered them and Lukas scrolls through his phone, his legs propped up in Philip’s lap. He’s looking him up, though he hasn’t told him that, and he nearly chokes on his orange juice when he sees _Philip Shea, Photographer_ on the hottest fucking goddamn up and coming rock blog, the one their manager won’t shut the fuck up about. He looks up at Philip, his eyes wide.

“You’re a _professional photographer_?” he asks, trying not to sound as shocked and horrified as he is. 

“Yeah,” Philip says, and Lukas’s heart drops. “Freelance. I work for a lot of different places.”

“Are you—are you gonna tell anybody—” Lukas stammers and he feels sick.

Philip rests a hand on his ankle. “I’m not gonna tell anybody anything,” he says. “I was even thinking of backing out of the job and not giving them my pictures.”

Lukas stops, trying to control his breathing. “But then—”

“I wouldn’t get paid, but it doesn’t really matter,” he says, picking up a strawberry slice and eating it. He seems to be avoiding Lukas’s eyes. “There are other jobs.”

Lukas stares at him and can’t really think straight. But he doesn’t want to move. “Nobody…nobody really knows I’m gay,” Lukas says. 

“Yeah, I was…surprised,” Philip says. “I hadn’t heard anything.”

“One day, I’ll—one day, I’ll tell people,” Lukas thinks. But looking at Philip, one day feels sooner than it used to. He can’t imagine moving on, leaving him behind. They had one night, one fucking amazing night, and Lukas doesn’t know what’s going on with him. But every time he looks at Philip, his heart drops and his stomach hurts. He feels sick and dizzy with something he’s never felt before. “You can, uh—you can give them your pictures. It’s fine, I don’t—want you to lose the job. And they’re good.”

“The last one is just for me, though,” Philip says, smiling softly. “So you don’t have to worry about that.”

“I wasn’t worried,” Lukas says, before he even really thinks about it. His heart is beating in his throat and he knows the tour buses are leaving in three hours. “I, uh—I—I don’t want—I want—” Philip is smiling wide at him and Lukas snorts, shaking his head. “How do I get a hold of you?”

“I put my number in your phone when you were sleeping,” Philip says.

Lukas feels his face going red and he nods. He clicks out of the website he was looking at and scrolls down to his contacts, finding Philip’s name there. He feels stupid, like he’s in high school, but he calls him and watches the phone on the table between them start buzzing. 

“As if I would ever give _the_ Lukas Waldenbeck a fake number,” Philip says, cocking his head at him.

“Just checking,” Lukas says, staring at him. His mind is fucking _racing_. “We don’t have a band photographer. We need one. Especially one as good as you.”

“You offering me a job?” Philip asks, raising his eyebrows. “Do you have that kind of power?”

“I have all kinds of power,” Lukas says, straightening up and puffing out his chest. “Like, a lot of power. Way more power than you could ever know.”

Philip laughs and Lukas swings his legs down to the ground, scooting forward and planting a kiss to his lips. He feels silly, dizzy, more than a little crazy, but when Philip sighs into his mouth and melts against him, he can already feel new songs forming in his head. 

Everybody needs a muse.


	4. Future so Bright

“Babe, it’s gonna be funny,” Lukas says, as the two of them sit on the edge of the couch. Lukas plays with Philip’s hands, tracking his thumbs over his knuckles.

Philip smiles because Lukas is smiling, but he tries to shake his head too. “He’ll know we’re lying,” Philip says. “He’ll realize it’s April first. Helen has probably already pranked him fifty times today.”

“You think?” Lukas asks, his eyes going even brighter. 

“Probably.”

“That’s amazing.” Lukas laughs, shaking his head. “We have to do this. He’s basically our biggest advocate so it’s gonna be funny.”

“It’s gonna make him sad,” Philip says, raising his eyebrows.

“We won’t take it too far,” Lukas says, threading their fingers together. “We’ll just get through the argument up to the breakup and see his reaction.”

Philip doesn’t even like the word breakup and he guesses his face falls, because Lukas leans in and presses a long kiss to his cheek. “You’re not gonna be able to sell this,” Philip says, closing his eyes.

“Sure I will,” Lukas says. He leans back, pressing another quick kiss to Philip’s lips before meeting his eyes. “Come on, we have to get him back for the cotton ball pancakes. That was awful and it can’t go unchecked.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “You’re right.” They both hear the car driving up and Philip is glad Gabe is by himself, because he’s sure Helen would call their bluff as soon as she looked at them. 

“You in?” Lukas asks, his eyes a little wild. 

“Okay, okay,” Philip says, shaking his head. 

“Okay,” Lukas says, squeezing his hand again before he gets to his feet, backing up towards the counter. They’d only discussed what they were going to fake argue about a little bit as they were coming up with the idea, and Philip assumes that Lukas is going to take the lead. They hear the car door close and Philip gets up too.

“So you really think you want to leave me?” Lukas yells, winking at him briefly as Gabe appears in Philip’s peripheral vision. “Go to some school that you know I can’t get into?”

Philip doesn’t really want to say the first thing that pops into his head so he tries to go the real route, feigning anger. “I’m tired of you acting like you’re not even gonna try, Lukas. You’re just acting like you’re gonna give up and I don’t know how many times—”

“Because you’re clearly trying to get away from me,” Lukas yells, and even though this is a fake argument Philip hates hearing those words coming out of Lukas’s mouth. Gabe walks through the door carrying a paper bag and he stops, looking back and forth between them. Philip pretends not to see. “You don’t want to be with me anymore?” Lukas asks, loudly. 

“No, I guess I don’t,” Philip says, wanting to get this show on the road. “I think this is it, I think we should break—”

“ _What_?” Gabe nearly yells, the bag slipping from his grasp. He catches it before it can topple to the floor and there’s pure panic on his face. He sits it on the ground and it sags onto its side, but he doesn’t take a moment to right it before he’s walking into the room. “What’s going on here?”

“We’re done,” Philip says, trying to paint disdain on his face as he looks up at Lukas.

“Uh, _what_?” Gabe asks, looking back and forth between them, his eyes wide.

“We’re breaking up,” Lukas says, his lip curling as he grimaces. “This is it, I guess.”

“Well maybe if you would try to be a better boyfriend!” Philip yells, surging forward a little bit until Gabe puts a hand on his chest. 

“Well maybe if you—if _you_! If you would try…to be a better boyfriend!” Lukas yells, moving forward with just as much anger as Philip managed, but they’re both on the verge of laughter now and Philip bites his lip trying to keep it back. 

“What started this?” Gabe says, holding them both back. 

“It doesn’t matter—” Lukas starts.

“No, it matters,” Gabe says. “It matters a lot. You two need to—you need to work it out, you need to talk through this—”

“I’m not talking to him!” Philip yells. “He’s acting like an idiot, I’m not wasting my time—”

“Oh great, name calling now,” Lukas says, and he’s so close to a smile that Philip shakes his head at him when Gabe isn’t looking.

“Alright,” Gabe says, putting his arms around both of them. “Come on, come here.” He leads them down the hallway and Philip isn’t sure what he’s gonna show them, probably some picture of him and Helen accompanied by a story about love. Philip focuses on shooting Lukas dirty looks and muttering things under his breath, and they all three walk into the downstairs bedroom before Gabe is rushing out and slamming the door shut behind him.

Philip and Lukas share a look and then Philip walks over, trying to open the door. It’s locked. 

“Uh, Gabe,” Philip says, laughing a little bit. “What are you doing? Did you mean to lock the door?”

“You guys have two hours in there,” Gabe says.

“No!” Lukas yells, smiling. “I can’t spend two hours alone with him—”

“Three, now,” Gabe’s voice says, on the other side of the door, and shock falls over Lukas’s features. “Philip, Lukas—I know you two love each other. I’ve seen what you have firsthand and I will not allow you to break up over some dumb argument. No way.”

Philip scoffs. “Gabe, it’s—”

“There’s no way we’re working this out!” Lukas yells, and Philip looks over his shoulder at him with wide eyes.

“That’s another hour, kid,” Gabe says. “I’m gonna call and tell Bo you’re staying for dinner.” 

Philip presses his ear to the door and hears Gabe walking away. He turns around and sees Lukas grinning. “Why did you just earn that fourth hour? We were gonna go shoot some footage—”

“We can do that later,” Lukas says, walking over and resting his hands on Philip’s hips. “That was hilarious, and how often do I get four hours of private time with you? This is like a blessing.”

“He really cares,” Philip says, wrapping his arms around Lukas’s waist and gazing up at him. “He wants us to make it.”

“Well, when he’s one hundred and we’re still together we’ll tell him this was a joke,” Lukas says, and he laughs when Philip’s brows furrow. “We’ll tell him later. It’ll be great, he’ll bring dinner in and we’ll just both be sitting there really pissy and he’ll be upset, like we weren’t able to stop fighting, and then we’ll just scream out _April Fools!_ And Helen will be here by then and she’ll think it’s hilarious.” Lukas leans down and presses a kiss to Philip’s head. 

“What the hell are we gonna do for four hours?” Philip asks, leaning against his chest. 

“I can think of a few things…” Lukas says, trailing off.

Philip pinches him in the side and Lukas laughs, nipping at his neck. “I don’t ever want to see you again,” Philip yells, his voice breaking as Lukas’s mouth trails across his throat. 

“You’re…you’re the worst,” Lukas yells back, kissing Philip’s shoulder. 

“Boys!” Gabe yells from down the hall. “Come on, now, you’re not even trying!”

Philip smiles so hard his face hurts. “He’s gonna be mad when he realizes we pranked him,” he whispers. 

“He’s just gonna be relieved we’re still together,” Lukas says, pressing a kiss to the tip of Philip’s nose. 

“But he’s still gonna be mad.”

“So then I can…I can tell him that both of us got into NYU instead of just you,” Lukas says against Philip’s cheek. 

Philip goes completely still. He feels the tears springing to his eyes before he realizes what’s happening and there’s a high pitched sound going off in his ears. He’d been surprised and shocked when he himself got into NYU a month back, but Lukas had been acting so pessimistic about his own chances that Philip was having a hard time picturing their future, which was thoroughly undecided on all sides. The only thing they knew was that they wanted to stay together, but everything else was up in the air. 

Lukas laughs and kisses him, shocking him back to reality. “You okay?”

“Are you—are you pranking me, too?” Philip asks, his voice breaking.

“Nope, I got the letter yesterday,” Lukas says.

“ _Yesterday_?” Philip exclaims, loud enough that it could be part of the fake argument. “And you didn’t tell me?” 

“I wanted to wait until we had a good moment alone,” Lukas says, smiling beautifully down at him. 

“Oh my God,” Philip says, his face splitting into a smile too because it never fails, whenever he sees Lukas smiling like that he just can’t help it. “Oh God, Lukas, I’m so—”

“Happy?” Lukas asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Ecstatic,” Philip says, tugging him into a kiss. 

“We can get an apartment,” Lukas says against his lips. “We can paint the walls together, we can pick out furniture, take the same classes, hang out on campus—be alone together _whenever we want_.”

“Sounds too good to be true,” Philip says, nuzzling their noses together. 

“Promise, no prank here,” Lukas says, kissing him again as he pulls him back towards the bed. 

“Lukas,” Philip says, as Lukas starts sucking at his neck again, a surefire way to make his knees go weak and all his good judgement fly out the door. “There’s no way we can be quiet enough.”

“I can cover your mouth,” Lukas says, laying him down on the bed and climbing after him. 

A chill runs up Philip’s spine. “You’re the loud one.”

“You can cover my mouth,” Lukas says, kissing him again.

Philip breaks it to laugh. “God. Poor Gabe.”

 

After three hours and fifteen minutes go by Philip hears the lock on the door start turning, and neither one of them are fast enough reaching for their shirts before Gabe is stepping inside. He’s holding a pizza box and his brows furrow when he sees them, both down to their boxers and nothing else, still half tangled together like they’d been for the last hour or so. 

“Uh, uh—we were sweaty,” Lukas says, “from yelling at each other…so much. And then he was cold after…after a while so, so I felt bad and held him so he wouldn’t…wouldn’t be cold. But with anger. All of it done with anger, a lot of…angry.”

Philip knows a losing battle when he sees one. “It was an April Fool’s joke,” he says. “The—whole argument.”

Gabe is quiet for a moment. “The whole thing?” he asks. 

“All of it,” Lukas says, wilting a little bit. A small smile slips onto his face when Gabe starts laughing, putting the pizza box on the dresser so he doesn’t drop it. 

“Oh my God,” Gabe says. “Wow. I guess I should have realized—wow, you two really played me like a fiddle.”

“There were no…intentions here,” Philip says, gesturing between himself and Lukas. “We had no clue what you’d do.”

“Yeah, I guess I sort of played myself,” Gabe says, chuckling a little bit. “Was this revenge for the cotton ball pancakes?”

“Absolutely it was,” Lukas says, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, Lukas and I are…about the farthest from breaking up you can get,” Philip says. He turns to Lukas, sharing a smile. “You want to tell him?”

“What is it?” Gabe asks. “Not another prank, right?”

“No, this is one hundred percent true,” Lukas says. “Let’s put our clothes back on, I’m expecting a lot of hugging.”

They get dressed again and Lukas tells Gabe the news about NYU and their vague plans about living together, which results in a bear hug from Gabe that nearly knocks them both flat. Philip doesn’t expect to hear the word breakup anymore in any capacity, except with the retelling of their joke to Helen. But he knows they’ll be able to soften the blow with Lukas’s news, and Philip is eagerly anticipating the family hugs he’ll be receiving when April Fool’s Day inevitably turns into a different kind of celebration. 

The future looks bright, despite what’s happened and what they’ve been through. And he absolutely can’t wait.


	5. Mine Mine Mine

Philip sways and giggles to himself when Lukas catches him. His vision is blurry, shimmering and shaking at the edges, and whenever he moves it feels like too much. Way too much. 

“I shouldn’t have let you drink this much,” Lukas says, and it sounds kinda like he’s underwater but he’s so beautiful like beautiful fish you might find underwater, like the rainbow fish because that’s a book Philip definitely liked when he was a kid. He’d touched the scales and kind of wished he could peel them off and put them on himself.

Lukas has a cup in his hand and Philip grabs at it, giggling again when it sloshes.

“Babe,” Lukas says.

“You didn’t let me,” Philip says, looking up at him. So beautiful. Beautiful and attractive and his. “Helen and Gabe let me. They actually _let me_.”

“Because it’s New Year’s Eve,” Lukas says, snaking a hand around his waist. Every place Lukas touches him feels like a firebrand, like he’s leaving fingerprints behind on Philip’s skin. _Mine mine mine_. “But they’re asleep already, they didn’t even make it to midnight.”

“How many more minutes?” Philip asks, peering up at him. He doesn’t know where they are. Are they on the couch? Is there a dog here? “Is there a dog here?” he asks out loud.

Lukas snorts. “That Pomeranian is here, the one Gabe is taking care of. I don’t remember its name.”

“I can…sense it,” Philip says, looking around. 

“It’s in the bedroom, Spiderman,” Lukas says, leaning in and kissing him on the cheek. 

Philip leans into him, humming to himself. “How many more minutes?” he asks.

“Uh,” Lukas says, checking his watch. “Forty two. Oh, forty one now.”

Philip leans down and peers into Lukas’s red cup. “You still drinking?”

“I’m gonna finish this one and then I’m done,” Lukas says. 

“Can I have it?” Philip asks, resting his chin on Lukas’s chest and peering up at him.

“No, you’re cut off,” Lukas says, craning his neck. His eyes are ridiculous. Insane. Out of this world. Philip doesn’t know how he looks at him all the time without dying. 

“No,” Philip says, trying to reach for the cup, but Lukas transfers it to his other hand and holds it away from him. His arms are so long and Philip stares for a moment, trying to figure out the situation. It’s too far. There’s no way he can get at it. “Can you put it down?” he asks.

“The cup?” Lukas asks. 

“Yes.”

Before Philip knows it the cup is gone and Lukas is wrapping his arms around him, pulling him closer. Philip wants to be so close, the closest. He wants Lukas to hold his hand always. In school. On the bike. At dinner. In the shower. 

“I wanna say something,” Philip hears himself saying.

“What is it?” Lukas asks, brushing his hair out of his eyes. 

“You look so good on the bike,” Philip says, shaking his head. “Just, like—in every way…someone can look good on a dirt bike, you…you do that. You look all those ways. It’s really nice. Just a nice…nice thing.”

Lukas laughs and that’s even nicer, and then he leans in and kisses him and that’s like, the nicest thing of all. Philip tries to focus so he can kiss him right. “Why do you say that like it’s some sort of confession?” Lukas asks, nuzzling their noses together. “As if you haven’t told me that before.”

“Not in….those words,” Philip says. He leans towards him, groaning a little bit as he lays down in Lukas’s lap. He gazes up at him and it almost looks like he has a halo, the light waving and going hazy behind his head. 

“Well, you look so good all the time,” Lukas says. “When you’re walking through the hallways with your bag on your shoulder. When I can see you through the window in math class. When you’re lying on my bed, especially. When you’re thinking really hard and you make that little puffy lip face.”

Philip closes his eyes tight, laughing. “Stop.”

“It’s true,” Lukas says, resting his hand on Philip’s chest. 

“Well, well, I actually really liked that pasta you made even though I was trying to act like I didn’t,” Philip says, his mind racing. “It was really good. Professional good.”

“Of course I know you liked it,” Lukas says. “You wear all your emotion on your face, babe.”

Philip reaches up and slaps his hand down over his own face, trying to wipe it away. 

“Oh my God,” Lukas says, grabbing his hand. “You’re drunk.”

“Yes,” Philip says, grinning. 

“I’m gonna tell you this since you’re gonna forget it later,” Lukas says, twisting their fingers together.

“I’m not gonna forget,” Philip says, shaking his head. He tries to concentrate really hard so he won’t but he can smell Lukas’s cologne and it’s nearly overwhelming.

“I ordered you a new helmet,” Lukas says, grinning down at him. “For your birthday. And I made reservations in the city, won’t say where just in case you do remember. But it’s gonna be good. You’re gonna love it.”

Philip stares at him and tries to latch onto the thoughts before they slip away. But the world is tinted red and all he can see is Lukas smiling and he just feels so lucky to get to look at his smile so often. The smile that’s for him, tilted and perfect and everything. “I love you,” he says.

“I love you too,” Lukas says, brushing his hair back. 

“Are you gonna let me have more wine?” Philip asks, trying to say it sweetly.

“No, as cute as you are,” Lukas says. 

Philip stares at him. “I really do love you. Like, I’m in love with you.”

Lukas doesn’t say anything for a moment and normally that would terrify Philip but he only feels good and warm now, closing his eyes when Lukas tracks a thumb across his lips. Lukas keeps touching him, tracing his cheek now. “I’m so in love with you, Philip,” Lukas says. “Even drunk like this. Particularly drunk like this.”

Philip stares at him. There’s a whole slew of images in his mind, the kinds of things he thinks about before he goes to sleep at night, the kinds of things that pop up when he drifts off in the middle of the day. “I want to spend my life with you,” he confesses. One part of his mind, the sober part of it, wants to yank the words back. But they’re out already, so he keeps on. “I can see us…see us like this on our own couch. In a place of our own. In a bed that’s ours. Kisses before work. Breakfast we both make together and don’t…don’t burn all the time. Getting older together, trying…trying new things together. Coming home to each other.” He feels a little bit dizzy and closes his eyes. “How many…how many more minutes?”

Philip can hear Lukas swallowing. “Til…til what?”

“New Year,” Philip says. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, and it sounds like he might be crying so Philip opens his eyes fast. “How….how can I even think about looking at my goddamn watch when you just went and said all that stuff?

“Bad?” Philip asks, and he can hardly remember what the hell he said. He wants more wine. He wants Lukas’s mouth on his own like, now.

“Not bad,” Lukas says. “I, uh—I think all those things, too. Whenever I think about the future, you’re…you’re always there. Always, in every phase of my life.”

Philip’s ears are burning and he tries to sit up, falling back down again before he’s basically flying, except it’s Lukas helping him sit up. He’s got one hand on Philip’s cheek and one on his thigh. He’s literally the most beautiful thing in the whole entire universe. Hands down. “We should wake them up before the year goes away,” Philip says, grimacing at himself. 

“Just a second,” Lukas says, and he leans forward, kissing him deeply. Philip sees stars and clutches at him—he gets lost in the possibilities, the things he has and the things he wants, the things that’ll be his one day if he doesn’t die right now from the way Lukas is kissing him. 

They break apart and Philip breathes hard for a minute. “Can we get a dog? When we’re….22?”

“We can get a dog whenever you want, babe,” Lukas says, kissing him again.


	6. The distance between us

“Don’t be upset,” Lukas says. His voice is beginning to sound different over the phone, and Philip can hardly focus over how fucking awful he feels. “Philip, baby, I’m sorry but I’m gonna make it up to you.”

“It’s fine,” Philip says, but his own voice betrays him, spelling out all his sadness. His birthdays have always been shit, always until the last few years with Lukas. He’s not the biggest drinker but he was sure Lukas would be back from his goddamn motocross tour for his boyfriend’s 21st birthday. It’s been months, _months_ since he’s seen him, since he’s held him, and Philip misses him more than he can even understand. 

It feels cruel, that Lukas won’t be back on Philip’s birthday. Not purposeful on Lukas’s side, but a reminder of how the universe can treat him. A swift slap in the face, a whisper of _you can’t be happy all the time._

“Don’t call Helen and Gabe and bitch about me, please,” Lukas says. “It isn’t my fault and it’s just three days late. I’m gonna spoil the shit out of you for two whole weeks.”

“And then you’ll be gone again,” Philip says. He’s laying back in their bed, which has felt extra cold lately with only him to occupy it. 

“For another month and that’s it,” Lukas says. “Then we’ll get back to class in the new semester and be back in our routine and everything will be fine.”

“Lukas,” Philip says, his chest going tight. “I don’t want you to think I don’t want you taking these opportunities. I don’t want you thinking you have to go to college just because I’m going to college.”

“Well, I could say the same thing for you taking a break when I took a break—”

“I wanted to,” Philip says, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “I’ve been getting a lot more jobs lately, I shot that wedding last week. So it’s fine.”

“So we’re both doing what we want, so it’s okay,” Lukas says.

Philip doesn’t say anything and feels awful, like he just wants to hang up and go to sleep.

“The only thing wrong with this is that you’re not with me right now,” Lukas says. “And I promise, I promise I’m gonna make the birthday thing up to you, Philip. Every single day I’m there is gonna be like your birthday, okay?”

“Mmhm,” Philip hums, propping the phone against his shoulder.

~

A month later it’s Philip’s birthday. He wakes up to the same lonely apartment, with the same shit air conditioning unit, the same dull music playing through the wall. It’s nine in the morning and he just wants to sleep through the whole goddamn day. 

He was hoping for a miracle. To wake up and find Lukas there, sitting and waiting for him. But he’s never been that lucky. 

His phone starts ringing on the bedside table and he knows it wouldn’t be Helen and Gabe this early, so he quickly shifts over and picks it up without looking at the name.

“Hello?” he asks.

“ _Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Philip, Happy Birthday to you_.” He chuckles a little after he’s done signing and Philip loves him so damn much. “Happy Birthday, babe,” Lukas says. “I wish I was there with you.”

Philip can’t help it and smiles up at the ceiling. “I wish you were too. My last couple birthdays I woke up to you already making good on promises from the night before.”

“Mmm, last year was particularly good,” Lukas says, and Philip can remember. Sex with Lukas is always good, but on Philip’s 20th he’d been dead fucking set on making him crazy at seven in the morning. “I keep thinking about the way you arch up into me…” Lukas says, and trails off, humming to himself.

Philip sighs, closing his eyes. He can’t believe how long it’s been. It feels like it’s been a hundred years. 

“You okay?” Lukas asks. “You sleep good?”

“Yeah,” Philip says vaguely. 

There’s a little bit of silence. “What are you thinking about?” Lukas asks.

Philip clicks his tongue and he can’t help himself. “I miss the way you touch me,” he breathes. He doesn’t know what he’s doing but he feels half dazed, hoping that Lukas is alone.

“Jesus, Philip,” Lukas whispers. 

“Are you alone?” Philip asks, already tracking his hand down his stomach.

“Uh…uh, sort of, yeah,” Lukas says. 

“Where are you?” Philip says, closing his eyes and trying to picture him. 

“Uh, in the bathroom now,” Lukas says.

“Anyone else in there?” Philip asks. He feels a little dumb but it’s his fucking birthday and Lukas is his fucking boyfriend. And he’s not here so this is the next best thing. 

“Um, one other guy,” Lukas says. 

“You embarrassed?” Philip asks, grinning a little bit. “You’re always the one trying to egg this on. You started it this time too!”

“I did, didn’t I?” Lukas asks. 

Philip shakes his head. He’s getting distracted by how cute Lukas is and he tries to think what he would want if he was here. “Remember when we tried to be really loud to shut those idiots up next door?”

“Of course I do,” Lukas says. “God, those noises you made. Drove me crazy, babe.”

Philip thumbs at the waistband of his boxers and closes his eyes. “I keep thinking about you on your knees like that,” he breathes. “Just like that.”

“I’d make it real…real good for you,” Lukas says.

Philip shakes his head and keeps picturing him huddling in some bathroom stall with some other motocross dude standing at the sink picking his teeth or something. “This isn’t working,” Philip says. He can’t say he’s mad about it but he’s a little disappointed. He just racks it up with everything else that sucks lately. 

“Yes it is!” Lukas nearly yells. “Babe, I’m gonna get you so crazy that the only word you’re gonna remember is my name.” 

Philip bites down on his lower lip and thinks they might be able to carry on after all. “And how are you gonna—”

There’s a weird noise on Lukas’s end and it sounds like he’s trying to put his hand over the phone. 

“Lukas?” Philip asks.

“Dude, I’m sorry, I gotta go,” Lukas says, and then the line goes dead.

Philip lays there with the phone pressed to his ear, hearing _Dude_ echoing in his head. Lukas had latched onto _babe_ a couple years back and hasn’t used anything resembling dude for Philip since. Philip sighs, tossing his phone down on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. He feels like a fucking idiot and he pretty much hates this day and wants it to be over already. He shifts onto Lukas’s side of the bed and presses his face into the pillow, breathing in.

It hardly even smells like him anymore.

~

He’s woken up by a knock on the door and he blinks blearily at the clock on the side table. He’d fallen back asleep for _four goddamn hours_ and he curses to himself, grabbing a shirt off the ground and pulling it over his head. He momentarily realizes it’s Lukas’s and sighs to himself as he heads over to the door. 

When he opens it there’s a big basket sitting there. There’s a big stuffed monkey inside, holding a heart that says _wild about you_ , two bottles of wine and so much chocolate and cookies that he can hardly fathom it all. He bends down and picks it up, something warm twisting in his stomach. He starts to close the door when he hears a voice calling after him.

“Uh, sir! I need your signature!” 

His heart rattles in his chest but it can’t be. He’s officially losing his mind and he’s sure he’s gonna see some old guy when he swings the door back open and he’s already thinking about telling Lukas that he thought the delivery man sounded _just_ like him—

Lukas is there. At the door. A duffel bag on his shoulder and a smile on his face, _that smile_ , and Philip drops the gift basket to the ground and nearly topples down after it. He blinks rapidly and sways, and Lukas steps over the threshold and wraps Philip up in his arms, kicking the door shut behind them. 

There are tears in Philip’s eyes and _he cannot fucking breathe._

“Hey baby,” Lukas says, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head. “You surprised?”

“Uh,” Philip says, reaching up to touch his arms and he can hardly believe he’s real. “Uh, _yeah._ ”

“Good,” Lukas says, rocking them back and forth a little bit. “I was absolutely sure I fucked it up earlier when the flight announcements started going off.”

“I…I didn’t even hear it,” Philip says against his shoulder. “I just—I was too distracted by you calling me dude.” He grips Lukas’s arms and he can’t believe it, he can’t believe it.

“Yeah, I panicked,” Lukas says, leaning back. “You were getting me all turned on and then that shocked the shit out of me and I didn’t want you to hear it and ruin the surprise.”

Philip can’t really think straight and his heart is in his throat and he didn’t actually think this was gonna happen, not really, and he almost feels like he’s hallucinating.

“Come here,” Lukas says, tipping his chin up. He kisses him and Philip feels legitimately dizzy, swaying forward into him and making a little involuntary noise into his mouth. “Happy Birthday, Philip. I love you.”

Philip laughs and suddenly he can’t stop smiling, tugging at the material of Lukas’s shirt at his waist. “I can’t believe you managed this. I really, really can’t believe you kept this secret.”

Lukas pulls back and widens his eyes. “It was so fucking impossible, babe. I talked to Helen and Gabe about it a hundred times when I thought I was gonna spill.”

“Oh my God,” Philip laughs, leaning forward and burying his face in Lukas’s neck. He smells so good, not at all like he’s been on a stuffy airplane for hours. Philip feels high on emotion and he keeps tearing up, laughing again when Lukas wraps his arms tight around him. “I can’t believe this,” Philip whispers, knocked out by it all.

“Did I do good?” Lukas asks, kissing his cheek. “Are you happy?”

“I’m so happy, Lukas,” Philip says, and he can’t take another moment without kissing him so he reaches up, bringing their mouths together. It’s chaste at first but then they clutch at each other, Philip fumbling for the duffel bag and peeling it off Lukas’s shoulder, letting it drop to the ground beside the gift basket. 

“There’s a lot of good chocolate in there,” Lukas says, kissing Philip’s jawline. “They had—they had a few different ones and that one was the best. Because of the chocolate and the monkey. Because you drive me wild.”

“I should have known you’d be attached to that basket,” Philip says, shivering a little bit when Lukas shoves his hands under his shirt at the small of his back. “Including two bottles of wine? Terrible thing for one lonely person.”

“Not lonely anymore,” Lukas says, pushing them further into the room. “Right?”

“Right,” Philip says, breathing harsh when Lukas starts sucking at the pulse in his neck.

“Am I a good present?” Lukas whispers against his throat. “You want me?”

“God, I want you,” Philip says. He still can’t believe he’s here, can’t believe this is real. It’s been a hundred years, a thousand, but Lukas is here. Philip can see him, touch him, and he’s here. On his birthday.

Lukas backs him up towards the bed and they both topple down, kissing and kissing and Philip can’t see, can’t think, only moans long and broken when Lukas starts moving down his body and taking off his boxers. “Been thinking about doing this since we talked earlier,” Lukas says, his voice husky and _oh my God_ , Philip can’t breathe.

Lukas wraps his lips around Philip’s cock and the whole world goes white, Lukas’s hands holding Philip’s knees down as he sucks him off.

“Oh God,” Philip groans, reaching down to run his fingers through Lukas’s hair, feeling him hum against him. “God, Lukas, God I missed you.”

Lukas tracks his nails along a scar on the inside of Philip’s leg and Philip arches his neck back, trying to control his breathing. Lukas takes him deeper and Philip sees stars, his breath hitching in his throat. He bites down on his lower lip until he tastes blood. He’s been thinking about this every fucking day and he literally cannot believe it’s actually finally happening. 

“Fuck,” Philip gasps. “Lukas, Lukas, Lukas—oh—oh—” and it’s over way too fucking soon, Philip writhing as Lukas works him through it. He breathes hard for a few minutes and then Lukas is beside him, slipping a hand under his shirt and up his chest.

“This is my shirt,” Lukas says.

“Mmhm.” Philip turns towards him, smiling when he sees the look on Lukas’s face.

“How often do you wear my clothes?” Lukas asks, leaning in and kissing the hinge of Philip’s jaw.

“Um…a good amount.” Philip feels drunk on him, the way he makes him feel.

“I like that,” Lukas says. He nuzzles against Philip’s cheek, draping his leg over both of Philip’s. “Jesus, I missed you. This long distance thing is…awful.”

“Almost done, babe,” Philip says, reaching up to cup his cheek. “Maybe…maybe I’ll come with you next time. Cheer you on from the stands.”

Lukas’s face lights up. “Really? Really?”

“Yeah,” Philip says softly. 

“I’d…I’d love that,” Lukas says, and he almost looks like he’s blushing.

They go to lunch at this little place Philip has been eyeing for months now, sitting outside under a tree that seems dead set on raining down flower petals on them. They drink wine in the park but stop before they’re stumbling, and Lukas reveals the fact that he’d made reservations at the fanciest restaurant in the city. They hold hands over a table cloth that’s probably more expensive than their whole apartment, kiss by candle light and Philip can’t believe the day started like it did and wound up like this. They end it in each other’s arms, Lukas breathing out a dizzying I love you against Philip’s lips before capturing them again.

Philip is curled up against Lukas’s chest when the clock ticks to 11:58. 

“Happy Birthday, Philip,” Lukas whispers. “I’m glad you liked your surprises.”

“Liked,” Philip snorts.

“Loved,” Lukas corrects. “Of course, because it was me.”

“So modest,” Philip says, kissing his collar bone. But he couldn’t be happier. _Maybe I can be happy_ he thinks. _Most of the time_. The day fades into the next but Lukas pulls him closer, grinning and running his hands through his hair.


	7. Be That Person

Philip has only had two panic attacks since they both almost died, but he can feel another one coming on. Boiling in the pit of his chest, hanging on his every thought, on the way the air moves. Helen and Gabe asked ten times before they left if he was going to be alright and he kept assuring them _it’s been three weeks, I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine_ but he’s not fine, he’s not okay, he’s alone and he feels fucking sick.

He texts Lukas. _Can you come over?_ He waits, sits there clutching his phone, and the reply comes quicker than he thought it would.

_You okay?_

Philip can’t really convey how not okay he is. He hates how desperate he is for Lukas, even though Lukas has his own shit and Lukas was shot and Lukas went through the same thing as him. _I need you_ he sends.

_Give me 20 minutes. Dad heading to bed and I’ll be right there. Helen and Gabe?_

_Out late. Home around one in the morning if Gabe estimated right._ Philip sighs, swallowing hard.

_Be there soon, okay? Just hold on._

But he can’t. Philip stares at the way the light hits the walls and feels like he’s falling into a pit. Feels like he’s being dragged into one. _Key under the rabbit_ he texts, and feels like he’s going to throw up.

He sits there for another moment or so before he gets up, starts pacing around the room. He tries to tell himself it’s over, they made it, they’re alive, they’re okay. But his mom isn’t. His mom is gone. That fucker Ryan Kane took her away. And the world is a little smaller, a little more painful. A lot more painful. Pain that sits in his nerves and startles him, claws at him. He can’t find her voice. He can’t find his own.

He starts towards the bathroom and nearly knocks the door down getting in there. He grips at his throat and dry heaves a little bit, not even bothering to move towards the toilet, and before he even really decides on what he’s doing he turns the shower on. He’s still wearing his clothes but he doesn’t care, stepping in under the spray and feeling his shirt wilt as it gets wet. He usually hates wet jeans, rolls them up when it’s raining, but he can’t think properly. It’s cold but he doesn’t change it, doesn’t fix it, because he can barely move. He draws his knees up to his chest and the world turns. He closes his eyes.

It feels like a lifetime later but hands latch onto him, shaking him.

“Philip,” Lukas says. “Oh my God. What are you doing?” 

Lukas is getting wet too. Philip is trembling, his teeth chattering. “I need—I need to be in here.”

“It’s cold, you’re too cold,” Lukas says. He reaches into the shower and twists the knobs until the water gets significantly warmer. He straightens up, looking around like there might be some kind of note to explain to him how to deal with this. He’s breathing hard and he puts his hands on his hips, staring down at Philip. “How long have you been in there?”

“Don’t know,” Philip says, looking away from him.

“You gonna stay in there?” Lukas asks, his voice going a little high.

Philip swallows over the tightness in his throat. “I feel…I feel like…” He can’t explain himself, can’t say that he feels safer in here somehow even though he’s only now getting over being cold. He can’t say how any of this makes sense.

But Lukas strips off his shirt and kicks off his shoes, pulling his pants down and off until he’s only in his boxers. He steps into the shower and pulls the door closed behind him. He stands there for a moment as his hair gets wet, and Philip stares up at him, a little surprised. Lukas kneels down and there’s an easy smile on his face as he reaches out, brushing his thumb across Philip’s cheek. “You wanna have all your clothes on?” he asks, and there’s a cadence to his voice that makes Philip’s stomach twist in knots.

“Not really,” Philip says. “No. I…I don’t.”

“Come on,” Lukas says. He holds out his hands and Philip takes them, letting himself be drawn to his feet before he can even really think about it. The water is hitting them at a different angle now and it beads down Lukas’s nose; Philip watches him reach up, pushing his hair out of his face before he’s helping Philip’s shirt over his head, sliding the shower door open a little bit and dropping it outside on the tile. He reaches down and undoes Philip’s button and fly like it’s nothing, and he starts talking.

“I was reading this article that reminded me of you,” Lukas says, working Philip’s pants over his hips.

“Yeah?” Philip asks, a little dazed. 

“About this guy who, uh, had a lot of loss in his life. He got into photography and started taking pictures of everything that made him forget, everything that…made him feel like he was living in the moment and not focusing on what hurt him.” He rests his hands on Philip’s hips and Philip steps out of his pants, watching as Lukas picks them up and sends them the way of his shirt, closing the door again. He briefly touches Philip’s chin to make him look up at him. “Maybe...maybe you should do that. Maybe I should…do it with you.”

Philip smiles at him, moving a little closer. He rests one hand at the base of Lukas’s neck, the other on his shoulder. “Wanna take a picture right now,” he says. 

“I look stupid when I’m wet,” Lukas says, raising one eyebrow.

“You never look stupid,” Philip says. 

“Lying straight to my face,” Lukas says. Philip shakes his head and Lukas smiles a little bit. “You doing okay?”

“Almost,” Philip breathes. “Can you just…hold onto me?” he asks. 

“Of course,” Lukas says. He kisses Philip’s forehead softly and pulls him close, Philip resting his head on Lukas’s shoulder. He tries to center himself, tries to focus on Lukas’s fingers trailing up and down his back. 

“You’re not cold anymore, right?” Lukas whispers. Philip shakes his head. Lukas kisses his temple and rubs circles into a spot by his shoulder blade, humming a little bit. “You want me to wash your hair?”

Philip snorts. “Do you want to wash my hair?”

“Maybe,” Lukas says. 

The idea of Lukas’s hands in his hair makes him stop shaking, so it feels like the right thing to do. “Yeah, okay.”

Lukas grins and holds onto his hand when he leans down, grabbing the shampoo bottle. “Hawaiian breeze?”

“It’s Helen’s,” Philip says, shrugging a little bit. “I ran out of mine, I think she’s getting me more tom—”

“I use this,” Lukas says, grinning. 

Philip laughs. “Oh. Well. It does smell good.”

“It does,” Lukas says, popping the bottle open. They move a bit out of the spray of the water, Lukas squeezing some out into his hand. He kneads it into Philip’s hair and lathers it up—he moves meticulously, slowly, and Philip closes his eyes, breathing out, trying to savor this. He hums a little to himself.

“That feel good?” Lukas asks.

“Yeah,” Philip breathes

Lukas rubs it in, taking his time and massaging Philip’s scalp. After a little bit longer he leans him forward, gently washing the shampoo away. 

“There we go,” Lukas says, brushing his thumb over Philip’s cheekbone. 

“That was nice,” Philip says. “Better than I do it myself.”

“I’m good with my hands,” Lukas says, shrugging a little bit. “You doing any better?”

“Yeah, I’m—I feel more…here,” Philip says, and he means it. “More present and calm.”

“Good,” Lukas says. He leans in, bringing their mouths together. Lukas always seems like he pours everything into their kisses but this one is even more intense, one of his hands pressing against Philip’s back and drawing them flush together. Philip tangles his hands in the tendrils of Lukas’s hair and moans into his mouth.

“You have a very up and down relationship with water,” Lukas whispers against his mouth, nipping at his bottom lip. “This the same kind of thing as the pot in the sink?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Philip says. “Like feeling it all around me can wash away everything I’m thinking and feeling.”

“Am I really helping by being here?” Lukas asks, and there’s an uncertainty in his eyes.

“Yes,” Philip says. “Absolutely, you are.” He recalls the time where he didn’t think something like this was possible with Lukas. Such intimate closeness, a piece of the world that belongs to them and only them. A place where Lukas _wants_ to be with him, under any circumstances. Lukas pulls him close again and Philip closes his eyes, sighing into Lukas’s skin.

“I used to hide under the bed when I got scared,” Lukas says, into the curve of Philip’s neck. “Until it got too dusty.”

“Did you feel safe there?” Philip asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says, kissing his shoulder. “But now I feel safe with you.”

Philip’s brows knit together. “Really?”

“Yes,” Lukas says definitively. He wraps his arms around Philip tighter and cups the back of his head, his fingers getting caught up in the tangles of his hair. “When did you say Helen and Gabe are gonna be back?”

Philip’s stomach twists again. “A while.”

Lukas hums and nods a little bit.

“I…” Philip breathes. “I need you. I want you.”

“You wanna get out of our boxers, too?” Lukas asks, a little quietly, leaning back to look at him.

“Yes,” Philip says fast, kissing him. They both paw at each other’s waistbands, knocking into each other’s arms and laughing softly into each other’s mouths. They don’t bother with depositing their underwear outside the shower and only step closer together, Lukas reaching down and squeezing newly revealed skin. “Jesus,” Philip whispers.

“I’ll never get tired of getting to see you naked,” Lukas says, nuzzling their noses together. “It’s like a gift every time.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Philip laughs, but the sound changes abruptly when Lukas reaches down and touches him.

Lukas leans in, his lips brushing against Philip’s ear. “I’m gonna take care of you,” Lukas whispers, sliding his hand up and down Philip’s length. “All the time,” he whispers. “When you’re sick. When you’re lost. When you want me.”

Philip moans and fumbles around, taking Lukas’s dick in his own hand and feeling Lukas’s hand stutter. “Always—I always want you,” Philip says.

“God, baby,” Lukas whispers, trying to kiss him but only crashing their mouths together as he groans. The water is dripping from his hair, off the tip of his nose.

They touch each other desperately and Philip can hardly believe that Lukas knows just how to make him feel like this, and he tries so hard to focus on what he’s doing too, anxious to make Lukas feel as good as he does. Lukas claws at Philip’s waist with his free hand, trying to bring him closer. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, his Adam’s apple bopping as he swallows hard.

“Lukas,” Philip answers. He can feel his body tightening and he grips Lukas’s neck, trying to match his pace. He tries not to think about how natural this feels, how it feels like he was made to touch Lukas like this. 

Lukas moans and falls into him a little bit, shaking and trembling as he steals an urgent kiss. “I love you,” he gasps as he comes apart, arching his neck a little bit still keeping his hold. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He twists his wrist a little bit and that’s all it takes for Philip to follow him down, his broken moan echoing off the shower walls. They work each other through the rest of it and eventually Lukas pulls Philip against him again, the water washing everything away as they sway on their feet.

“I love you too,” Philip whispers, kissing Lukas’s neck. “Thank you.”

“For what? Getting you off?”

Philip snorts, squeezing his eyes shut tight. “I guess that’s part of it,” he says, leaning back to look at him. 

Lukas grins, water in his eyelashes as he leans forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of Philip’s mouth. “You’re welcome,” he says. “I’m glad I can…do anything, you know? I wanna take care of you, I want to be that person you call when you need someone.”

“You are,” Philip says. 

“I think we’re gonna be okay,” Lukas whispers, staying close. 

Philip nods, sliding his hands around to rest at the small of Lukas’s back. “I think so too.”


End file.
